Endings
I have been struggling with thoughts over the past number of days: life, career/work, where I live, how I live, and a number of other topics. Life seems fine on the outside, but I can tell that something is not right on the inside.
When times like this arise, it tends to be because I am holding onto some idols in my heart. God wants to replace them, but I really, really like them. Even though I know it is killing me, I will hold on as tightly as I can.
He restrains his strength to crush me, and I struggle with all my might as we spend the day wrestling.
I don't know how long this "day" will last, but am hoping for an ending soon. Endings can be the most remarkable part of the day...
When times like this arise, it tends to be because I am holding onto some idols in my heart. God wants to replace them, but I really, really like them. Even though I know it is killing me, I will hold on as tightly as I can.
He restrains his strength to crush me, and I struggle with all my might as we spend the day wrestling.
I don't know how long this "day" will last, but am hoping for an ending soon. Endings can be the most remarkable part of the day...
posted by em at 2/03/2006 10:25:00 AM
4 Comments:
Em,
I am reminded of the illustration that we are constantly in a state of "dusk", i.e., we are exposed to the light, yet darkness is still lingering within our souls.
I love this passage from the Puritan Prayers:
In love divest me of blessings that I may glorify thee the more;
remove the fuel of my sin,
and may I prize the gain of a little holiness as overbalancing all my losses.
The more I love thee with a truly gracious love,
the more I desire to love thee,
and the more miserable I am at my want of love;
The more I hunger and thirst after thee,
the more I faint and fail in finding thee,
The more my heart is broken for sin,
the more I pray it may be far more broken.
My great evil is that I do not remember the sins of my youth,
nay, the sins of one day I forget the next.
Keep me from all things that turn to unbelief,
or lack of felt union with Christ.
Very nice... and true! Thanks for that, Sarah! :-)
P.S. This picture is from a day in Hanmer Springs in the south island of New Zealand. My friend Amy and I had hiked up Conical Hill, which is in the middle of a valley with mountains on all sides. As the sun began to set, we were trying to get pictures, but were in a really bad place. I started running down the hill, feverishly getting snapshots. I guess a picture doesn't do this type of sunset justice, but it was surreal, indeed.
I am reminded of my own struggle and that when I am about to let go (either from weariness or our father unclasping our fingers) is the moment when we try to hold on the tightest. It is only his love that cuts us at the knuckles that we may free fall into his arms. Funny, so often that which brings life feels like death.
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